InSitu

The never ending quest for the ever lasting health/wellness/happiness goal has had us chasing a lot of fads and trends over the decades. For physical health, some claim our quest reaches back even to Paleolithic times with paintings in the caves at Lascaux depicting wrestling and sprinting. It seems reasonable that such activities would plausibly either prepare the youth or keep the experienced ready for the task of running down and grappling with dinner for their community.

Also reasonable is the claim that the ratio of effort for survival to calories acquired in those days was much closer; at minimum being 1:1 because if calories were lower than effort for too long, one would not survive. The stress factors then being more about ‘Where is the bear?’ or ‘How can we as a team, run down that bison and make it our dinner?’ than today’s ‘How am I going to satisfy the demands of the higher ups?’ or ‘How can I make ends meet this month?’ Our ancient desire to load up on protein to increase muscle mass or carbs for needed energy for that bear/bison probably won’t have the same outcome for today’s survival demands.

But we still have stress; we still have the fear of ‘will we make it?’. We also still need sustenance, and to move our body around to help our bones, our circulation, even our psychological well-being. We are told that marathon runners, triathletes, swimmers, gymnasts, yogis, and free-climbers for example are in great physical condition but when do we mere mortals the time for those things? We compromise and go to fitness centers, often barraged with giant screen televisions, and soon-to-be influencers taking selfies of their new glow up in the locker rooms. Mind you, gym culture for some, works quite well and the aforementioned elements of it don’t bother them in the least. There are some however who have either tried it and not stayed, or knew that such a thing was definitely not for them.

What do we do then? Those of us who are tied to screens and/or seats all day to meet the demands of modern life? How do we increase our survival rate with an activity that won’t seem like physical and or psychological torture? Barraged with diet plans or drugs, or corporate wellness programs with milestones that if not met, may have consequences; what do we do?

At minimum, find the thing that isn’t torture. At best, find the activity that you might actually look forward to. Sometimes that means reflecting on elements of who you are and what you love. Like, are you a social person? Group activities might be better for you, and that doesn’t mean boot camp, it could mean dancing, singing, walking, hiking, or bird-watching. Do you like solo activities that give you reflective or contemplative time? Maybe forest bathing, fishing or gardening is more for you. If thinking about a thing makes your brain squeeze out those positive neurotransmitters that in turn make you smile, rather than dread the thought of moving, this is the activity to choose. Don’t let anyone convince you that boot camp for example is for you if it just sounds like torture.

If you still don’t know, maybe discussing it with a coach, like one in health and wellness might set you down the right path. Make sure though, that they come from a place of putting you in the ‘expert’ chair for what will appeal to you.

• If you’ve been told by your physician that you need to make some choices and change your habits or you will have some problems down the line.
• If you’ve had some setbacks and want to get back on that path.
• If you’re weary of get healthy quick schemes that don’t realistically fit your needs.
• If you recall a time when you just felt more grounded, more ‘you’ and want to get back to that.
• If you’d like to have someone listen to you instead of jumping to conclusions about what you need.
• If you’re a bit overwhelmed by the proverbial trees and want to understand the forest before trekking down any particular direction.
• If you’ve made new years resolutions year after year and occasionally had some progress but it doesn’t feel like those resolutions stick.
• If you want to do more than just take a supplement or those supplements aren’t doing the trick for you.

A Health & Wellness Coach is there to listen to you, understand better from you where you are, where you want to be, and work with you collaboratively on a plan to get there.

As stated before, the concept of community is very broad. It can have a large number of conditions that define it beyond just the members in that community. With that complexity, stringent, hard and fast rules can limit growth. Rather than absolutes, consider some guidelines:

My own guideline not just in Community but for any group longevity. There are three crucial elements to balance (not in order of importance): Process, Play, & Productivity. The part that seems often to eclipse the others is ‘Process’, because so few people are given the tools to go deep while growing up, they must re-engineer themselves through herculean efforts as adults to gain the skills to ‘process’ effectively. The problem is that the other 2 elements if neglected can cause things to eventually fall apart. That said, much of the below are guidelines for Process.

From The Foundation for Community Encouragement:
(parentheticals are mine)

1. Wear name tags. (or make sure everyone knows who you are)
2. Be on time for each session. (be respectful of everyone’s time)
3. Say your name before you speak. (maybe not necessary, see guideline 1)
4. Speak personally and specifically, using “I” statements. (own your part and your perspective in the process, and let others speak for themselves)
5. Be inclusive; avoid exclusivity. (shunning, dismissing, or even talking over others can be dehumanizing and communicates ‘…we’re all in this together, except for you’)
6. Express displeasure in the group, not outside the circle. (contextually ‘the group’ is there to work/improve together, expressing displeasure outside the group prevents the group from solving the problem)
7. Commit to “hang in there.” (committing to or investing in the outcome helps distribute the workload)
8. Speak when moved to speak; don’t speak when not moved to speak.
9. Be responsible for your success. (…and failure. A group of all leaders owns it all)
10. Participate verbally or non-verbally. (talk and action)
11. Be emotionally present with the group. (part of guideline 7 ‘hanging in there’)
12. Respect confidentiality. (if it’s not only your story to tell, it’s best to leave it to individual or group to consent to opening up about it. Unless it’s concerning, harmful abuse.)

From the Harwood Institute’s Community Conversation Workbook:

• HAVE A “KITCHEN TABLE” CONVERSATION Everyone participates; no one dominates.
• THERE ARE NO “RIGHT ANSWERS” Draw on your own experiences, views, and beliefs. You do not need to be an expert.
• KEEP AN OPEN MIND Listen carefully and try to hear and understand the views of others, especially those you may disagree with.
• HELP KEEP THE CONVERSATION ON TRACK Stick to the issue at hand. Try not to ramble.
• IT’S OKAY TO DISAGREE, BUT DON’T BE DISAGREEABLE Respond to others how you want them to respond to you.
• HAVE FUN!

An additional note: “At the end, ask, ‘Do these ground rules work for everyone?’”

Brene Brown’s Braving Inventory

If her language speaks to you, the book Braving the Wilderness also has good advice for the individual being authentic while involved in communities and other organizations.

• BOUNDARIES: Setting boundaries is making clear what’s okay and what’s not okay, and why.
• RELIABILITY: You do what you say you’ll do. At work, this means staying aware of your competencies and limitations so you don’t overpromise and are able to deliver on commitments and balance competing priorities.

• ACCOUNTABILITY: You own your mistakes, apologize, and make amends.
• VAULT: You don’t share information or experiences that are not yours to share. I need to know that my confidences are kept, and that you’re not sharing with me any information about other people that should be confidential.
• INTEGRITY: Choosing courage over comfort; choosing what’s right over what’s fun, fast, or easy; and practicing your values, not just professing them.
• NONJUDGMENT: I can ask for what I need, and you can ask for what you need. We can talk about how we feel without judgment.
• GENEROSITY: Extending the most generous interpretation to the intentions, words, and actions of others.

Why open ended questions?

First described in 1983, by William R Miller Motivational Interviewing has become an effective tool for therapists, coaches, and many other professions. In MI open ended questions are most preferred as they offer an open field to the interviewee, to tell their story and explore their views, values, strengths, and to foster a greater sense that they have important information to bring into the conversation.

In the context of coaching, it’s to reinforce that the client is the principle operative in their wellness and the coach is there to receive the information and co-create a program of experiments with the client that will actually work for them.

But what’s so wrong with a yes or no question?

Probably the best way to answer that is referring to professional negotiator Chris Voss’ book Never Split the Difference. In it he describes the Yes Pressure. When a person says yes, it sometimes can create anxiety in their mind. There can be hesitation, wondering what the catch is. Where are the blind spots? What am I getting myself in to?¹ It’s important to pay attention to the type of yes that arises.

The 3 yeses we’d want to reflect on are:

1 Counterfeit Yes A person wants to say ‘no’ but either feels yes is an easier escape route or just wants to disingenuously keep the conversation going.

2 Confirmation Yes Generally innocent, reflexive response to a black or white question… mostly just simple affirmation with no promise of action.

3 Commitment Yes A true agreement that leads to action.

The 3 types sound almost the same so you have to learn how to recognize which one is being used.

Some circumstances can sometimes make it impossible to avoid a yes or no question. A coach’s job is to clearly designate the client the expert from the get-go, and coach the collaborator so that the best case is to be present for the ‘Commitment Yes’. That Commitment Yes is the guidepost for where the program leads.

1C Voss’ “Never Split the Difference” (2016)

This is the title of a section in a journal article published in 2013 titled “Coaching vs Psychotherapy in Health and Wellness” and it’s meant to contribute to a conversation among disciplines about firming up the differences between the two. Among many academic references, the article quotes a book titled “Evidence-Based Coaching Handbook” wherein the author says among other things “…therapy seeks to comfort the afflicted.” and coaches “…seek to increase information flow, energy, and diversity to a level that helps the person move out of stable mind-sets and behaviors so as to create new insights, understandings, and actions.” All that to say that a coach’s job is to find the things that inspire, motivate, and enliven the client while also finding the most effective tools at their disposal for their health and wellness.

Another difference between a therapist and a coach is that the therapist model is an expert model that does have elements of a top-down relationship especially when they must intervene if the situation calls for it.

A coach can certainly check in with a client and provide information if warranted but it comes from a co-creative process with the model being that the client is the expert in their own lives. If the coach suspects that a therapist would serve the client best, the coach would then recommend therapy.

The same Coaching vs Psychotherapy in Health and Wellness article gives examples of things that might prompt a coach to refer the client.

It’s important to understand that the above can have the additional element of intervention if any become harmful to either the client on someone who may fall victim to a client suffering from the above conditions.

That said, coaches can still work along side or in addition to therapy in circumstances where appropriate.